The Second Coming

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexeplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Wednesday, December 28

2005

Best Album: YOU COULD HAVE IT SO MUCH BETTER - Franz Ferdinand

Runners Up: LATE REGISTRATION - Kanye West, FROM UNDER THE CORK TREE - Fall Out Boy, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge – My Chemical Romance

Best New Band (to me at least): My Chemical Romance

Runners Up: Fall Out Boy

Best Book I Read: Hey Rube: Blood Sport, the Bush Doctrine, and the Downward Spiral of Dumbness Modern History from the Sports Desk. – Hunter S. Thompson

Best Book I Attempted to Have the Patience to Read: Super System 2 – Doyle Brunson

Best Movie I Actually Went to the Theater to See: The 40 Year Old Virgin

Runners Up: Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Wedding Crashers, Batman Begins

Best Movie I Wish I Went to the Theater to See and Now I am Waiting for the DVD: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Worst Movie I Saw: Brothers Grimm

Best DVD:
Once again… 40 Year Old Virgin

Best Month of the Year: January- I got my first real time job

Worst Month of the Year: None were particularly awful

Biggest Accomplishment: Getting a job?

Worst Move I Made: I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do

Biggest Life Changing Event: The Real Job/Real World transition

Best Live Performance I Went To: All the Giants games I went

From Last Years Blog:

“As for 2005’s motto Jeff and I are gonna phone in ideas to each other at midnight and decide on a co-motto, so that will be in my first post of the new year.”

So we were really drunk and if we came up with anything I don’t know what it is. But as for this year I just plan on finding out where I wanna live on a semi-permanent basis and keep partying like a rockstar.

And blog at least once a week.

My plan for New Year’s Eve:

We got a limo bus, we got booze, we got friends…we are taking all 3 to Atlantic City.

Here’s hoping I make it back in one piece and still breathing.

Thursday, December 15

I'm Back

Sunday, September 18

Pick 'Em - Week 2

1. Steelers (-6) over TEXANS
Looks like Big Ben will actually be playing. Looks like Duece Staley will be the backup. Looks like the Texans need a new coach that realizes his QB is average at best and his back is a beast. Looks like I'm going against the points.

2. BENGALS (-3) over Vikings
I will forever love Dante Culpepper for handing me a week 1 fantasy victory or was it Carson Palmer that handed it to me after finally maturing? Either way I don't see either of these guys devaiting from those performances this week.

3. JETS (-6) over Dolphins
The Jets blow.
The Dolphins blow.
Last week was just an aberration for the Dolphins, this will surely be a battle of the mediocre and I fully admit I am picking the Jets based solely on my love for their coach. He plays to win the game.

4. LIONS (-1.5) over Bears
Charles Rogers is injured again, so that leave the lions with only 80 of the top 100 wideouts in the league. However the Bears do have a team that almost beat the totally inept Redskins last week………..

5. TITANS (+3.5) over Ravens
Did the Ravens get an offense this year? Nope.
Do the Titans still have a decient offense? Yup.

That being said, if the Ravens do win this week I would love it. Imagine Kyle Boller get injured, being boo'd by his own fans and then never getting the starting job back?? That could be the theme for this season. Starters getting injured and never coming back. Patrick Ramsey, Duece Staley and now Boller (yes I am taking a leap of faith of Staley here, but come on he has started what? 2 games in the black and gold?)

6. EAGLES (-13) over Niners
Niners vs. Dolphins will be the match-up of the year for some the analysts out there don't believe the hype

7. Jaguars (+9) over COLTS
Matt Jones will be R.O.Y. this year. He will throw a pass to Leftwich for the game winning TD. Ok maybe not but 9 is a LOT of points.

8. Bills (+2.5) over BUCS
Did you watch the Bills defense last week? I mean seriously how many points can the Bucs put up against these guys?

9. Patriots (-3) over PANTHERS
Panthers lost to the Saints last weekend in a game that should have never been close, now they gotta play the champs?? When will these guys START a season on the right foot?

10. Falcons (+1) over SEAHAWKS
Seahawks will probably win their division this year.

They will only need 8 wins to do this however

11. CARDS (-1) over Rams
Can Mike Martz screw this one up too?? I can't wait for the Martz blowup this year. Last year's speech about everything being his way and if you don't like it, leave and all that….it was just great. I got dibs on this year's being even better. And the Cards will run the ball for once and try to actually protect Mr. Bledsoe ..err… Warner

12. Chargers (+3) over BRONCOS
Prediction: At some point this year, probably after a Raiders/Broncos game Kerry Collins and Jake Plummer will become great drinking buddies.

They will get trashed, slap women, and talk about when they had promissing careers in the NFL.

13. PACKERS (-6) over Browns
I never liked the Browns, just something about them.
That and Bret Farve has a habit of being awfull one week, bouncing back the next, and then being awful for 5 or 6 weeks lately. I think he likes to play games with analysts.

14. RAIDERS (+1) over Chiefs
Raiders at home, with Randy Moss.
I could see Larry Johnson doing great here though, he beats women. I wouldn't be surprised to see Oakland fans cheering him on. (Just shake the women Larry, don't hit…just shake)

15. Redskins (+6) over COWBOYS
After trying his best last week Drew Bledsoe will find a way to loose this week.


16. GIANTS (-3) over SAINTS
I am a true homer.
Brandon Jacobs owns your mom.


Best things to look for this weekend:

Me at the Giants vs. Saints game

Those Burger King commercials where they superimpose the King onto NFL Players. (I personally can't wait till they do this with defense hits. Like imagine the king as Ray Lewis just completely nailing a guy and causing a fumble. Or maybe Ed Reed when he went after Ramsey last year and caused him to fumble then picked up and ran it for a TD…I just wanna see the King Wreck some ass. Possibly even Shockey or someone else bowling over defenders after grabing a pass or maybe a Priest Holmes jump over some guys. Maybe even a coach freakin out on the sidelines, or tossing a stupid flag a la Mike Martz. The possibilities are endless.)

Thursday, September 15

The Begining

NFL Week 1
It's football season!!

This is easily my favorite sport, pro football to be exact. I am not sure why I don't love the college game as much, it could be purely due to the fact that I can't find a fantasy college football league.
"One week a season doesn't make" Woody Paige said something like this on around the horn and I have to agree, but it can display some signs.

"Signs of the Future?"

Eagles Can Be Beaten – As a Giants fan I lay around at night and dream of this and Kelly Clarkson laying in my bed. I thought I wouldn't see either for a long time. However the Falcons just flat out "brought it" to the Eagles on Monday night. They played them straight up, smash mouth style and the Eagles just couldn't handle it. If you didn't watch the game the score doesn't tell the story, you never once thought the Falcons might let that lead slip. Don't give me the Trotter excuse either, the Eagles offense was much more to blame then the defense allowing 14 points. Where was David Akers in that game anyway? If he made 2 field goals they would have one.

Kurt Warner/Drew Bledsoe – I am a fan of both these guys but did we ever do a test to see if they brothers separated from their true parents by some kind of horrific and dramatic story? They sure seem like it, two serviceable QBs both past their prime by about 4 or 5 seasons. Warren Sapp moves better than both these two. They both apparently love grass so much that they refuse to pass the ball just so they can get down and smell it about 5-8 times a game. That being said, they are accurate, they can read defenses and have decent arm strength for their age. The point is, if you give them good weapons they can produce. Dallas has weapons, finally, they have so many the recently signed Peerless "Winless" Price probably won't suit up for them for the time being. The Cardinals have WRs, they don't have weapons. There is a difference here. JJ Arington is not Julius Jones. If they have a tight end he is not Jason Whitten (I am not sure if they do because the Cardinals offensive line is so bad that they played max protect most of the game last Sunday and kept the world in to block).

Broncos - The Denver Broncos have always reminded me of 11 O'clock on a Friday night at the local club. You see this amazingly beautiful girl around 8 and she is just put together exactly the way you like it. So you take down a few drinks, let her get a few in her to loosen things up and you go to talk to her around 11. Then you realize something… up close she is a total mess. Those four drinks you had were multiplied by 20 for her. While you are just loose, she is stumbling over herself and over her words and there is a small hint of vomit on her that you later learn must have been from when she ran into the bathroom covering her mouth (why did you try to kid yourself that she just heard a funny joke?).
The point is this, everything seems right about the Broncos: a solid but not great QB, an aging but aggressive defense, and an offensive line that usually opens up holes big enough to drive an Oldsmobile through. This team can just not get it all together long enough to make any type of legitimate run at anything over the course of a full season. I am not saying they won't make the playoffs, they may even win a round. The problem is these 2 AM Betty's won't be able to keep it together to get past teams like the Ravens, the Colts, and the Pats. It's time someone saw this and started building from the ground up.

P.S. Ron Dayne is no good, not at all. Just ask the Giants. Their hasn't been a prediction for thunder for one of his games since the guy was in college, you were better of with Mo Clarrett, at least he fits the image of your team – making a mess of himself.

AFC – The Jets are done unless they can find someone off the streets that can hold the ball and it to Curtis Martin the whole game, apparently Chad Pennington can't do this (as an aside let me thank Chad for the privilege to write that sentence). It seems that if you can shut down Gates somehow this season you can shutdown the Chargers. The Pats are still the Pats, some of the adjustments made by Belichick were great and I was once again reminded why he is a great albeit horribly dressed coach. The Colts looked good on defense again – wait, what? The Colts got a defense? Shit… Look for the conference winner from this division to come from the team playing at home throughout the playoffs.

NFC – Are the Falcons legit here? Everyone else lost. Carolina? Lost last second to a team they should not have gone to the last second with (I am sorry, it was nice to see the Saints win, but any team with a QB who throws passes backwards should not be beating supposed title contenders) Eagles? They looked exposed, I wouln't be surprised to see them have trouble with the NFC East as it seems the Cowboys style might able to sneak a win or two from them and knock their overall record down to something manageable if the 'Boys or G-Men get a little lucky. Who else is there? Vikings? Let me see a touchdown first. The Packers? I am sorry, Farve seems to be too obsessed with being "Bret Farve" then he is throwing touchdowns (good job demanding Walker come to camp without a new contract, you gonna give him some money now that he won't get a singing bonus next year?). I can't see a legit number 1 from this conference aside from Atlanta, it should be fun to see the battle for which 8-8 team makes it to the playoffs this year from the NFC.

U.S. Open
I used to play tennis.
I used to be in the band.
I used to stay up online all night talking to a girl from California.
I used to never get laid either.
I haven't watched competitive tennis since those days and I really don't think there was a need. Those were the days of Sampras vs. Agassi man. Two of the best players ever. Now what am I gonna tune in for? Tom Brady losing in the first round to somebody from a country I never heard of? – I am sorry I meant Andy Roddick, not Tom Brady although I am sure from looking at him lately Mr. Roddick wouldn't mind the comparison.

So here I am on Labor day, waiting for a poker game to start up (which I lost to this kid who I swear to god has gone from the worst luck ever to the type of guy you wanna just touch his goods to get that luck to rub off on ya) when I turn on the local CBS station. Low and behold there are 2 Americans heading to the semi-finals! One of them is freaking' Agassi?!? So now I am watching tennis again…
Here comes Sunday, probably the greatest day of the year for me next only to the Turkey Bowl (another story for another post) and that one or two times a year I get a pitty lay….. AND I AM WATCHING TENNIS!.. not only am I watching tennis, I am watching it while the Giants are on tv!

Picture it, 4 guys watching TV..wings in front of us, the most intellectually stimulating subject to this point was if offered 3 million would we let our girlfriends sleep with another dude (still don't know how these asses said no to 3 million for giving up one night with your girlfriend, she is probably cheating on you anyway) and we are now watching and talking about tennis.

My friend Sweet Louie, who is the closest thing to a non-retarded Rain Man the world will ever see, is dissecting Agassi's strategy of hitting only to Feder's backhand much better than the 2 "analysts" on television. We are teaching another guy with us about the full rules of the sport. And we are enjoying it. Each of us cheering on Agassi as he battles against Feder in the final. But to no avail, Agassi's legs seemed to give up on him but you can tell his mind never quit, that's how it made it this far in the Open.

I hate Roger Feder. Every time I hear him speak he comes off as cocky. He comes off as arrogant. He comes off as a jerk.

He is half of what American Men's Tennis needs – a villain.

Now we just need a David to this Goliath of tennis. And wannabe superstar Andy Roddick ain't it folks.

Baseball

Let me say this, if you don't know me, I hate baseball. I think it's a useless sport made even more useless by having no salary cap and a huge steroid problem (I say huge cause every sport has some type of problem with this issue)
But it does start to slightly excite me this time of year. One night can change who makes it to the playoffs or not. If Bud Selig ever did anything good it was the wild card (and it is open to debate if he ever did anything good), I saw some highlights of Bonds' season debut last night also and I have to admit, I was anxious to see if he hit a home run or not and to be honest even though my guess is he does take steroids, he hasn't been caught, so let the guy slug at it. Even if he gets walked 4 times a game, its 4 more bases then the pitiful Giants would have gotten.

Fantasy Football Tips

Grab 'Em: In a touchdown heavy league I saw grab Brandon Jacobs of the New York Football Giants. The guy is a bull and dragged the whole Arizona Cardinals team, along with their front office, coaches, and a couple fans about 30 yards up the field. I see this guy stealing a lot "X and goal" carries from Tiki Barber.

Drop 'Em: It's week one so it's gonna be hard to tell from just one week, but I say get rid of all the Pittsburgh running backs. Unless you are the type of guy that likes to play Russian Roulette how the hell are you going to pick which one of this three headed monster will get the most touches, or the goal line carries even?

Tuesday, May 31

Me and Roberto, down by the Schoolyard

this one goes out to the one who reminded about the word "prologue"....I'll always remember you

Prologue


It was a clear black night, a clear white moon
Scottie P was on the streets, trying to consume
Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk
Just rollin' in my ride, chillin' all alone

Double heure –
Pronunciation: doo-blah-errr
Function: Proper Noun
Etymology: French and American, originally two random French words thrown together last Friday by Krieger Grasso and Scottie
1) To do two happy hours at the bars in one night; in a row
2) To consume so many drinks you don’t realize I’m giving verb definitions to a “proper noun”

The scene picks up after a great session of Double Heure which started at Whistles and then moved onto Tinks, we pick up the story around 1 AM with Scottie, Jeff and Gerry upstairs in the dance club.

1 AM – Dancing ensues, drinking has been going on for way too many hours at this point. The U’s graduation, double heure for no good reason, seeing friends from long ago and the usual alcoholism have all combined to make this crew a total mess, Scottie- doubly so.

1:30 AM – After dancing with a particular pretty girl for the past half hour or so it has been decided by Scottie that he will be walking home

Now

1:45 AM – Seeing Scottie’s latest attempt at a walkoff (for he has been known to do this) Jeff tries to follow him out where Scottie demands he goes back inside or else bad things will happen.

1:48 AM – After the argument with Jeff is over Scottie begins to take off, probably taking the worst way one could walk to his house from Tinks. For those of you who know he went down by Coopers all the way back up (as if he was driving), for those of you who don’t lets just say he walked about 2 miles downhill and about 3 or 4 uphill when he could have gone around just 3 up.

2:15 AM – Across from Cooper’s restaurant, Scottie’s phone begins to ring. It’s Gerry and Jeff looking for him. Scottie informs his pals that he is fine and he is on the steps of Church resting, proclaiming…”Don’t worry, Jesus loves me” and hangs up the phone.

2:20 AM – Scottie stops for another rest on East Scranton High School’s steps for a break, the cell phone battery is all but dead

2:30 AM – Now at Poplar St. in Scranton, the cell phone finally dies

2:45 AM – While walking up Poplar, Scottie sees a menacing dark figure walking down the hill towards him. The shadowy figure continues its approach until they stand next to each other. The figure mutters the phrase “1-1-0-5 Wyoming” in broken English.

Scottie begins to explain how to get to Wyoming Ave which is approximately about ¾ of a mile away and back from where he came from.

It doesn’t take long to realize this person can’t speak a lick of English and it has been decided by Scottie that he will walk this person to his destination.

2:47-3:00 AM – Scottie walks with this person through the city of Scranton.

In an attempt to learn a name for the figure he decides to implore an old trick he has seen in the moves. He pats on his chest and says “Scott” and then points at the figure.

No response.

He tries it again..

“Scott”

“Roberto”

Progress!! He has a name for his new compatriot. Over the course of the next few minutes Scottie talks to Roberto who every once in awhile mutters back but the conversation consists mostly of Scott talking and ending it with “you have no fuckin idea what I am saying Roberto, do you?” then Roberto would mutter, most likely just to humor him.

3:00 AM – Scottie and Roberto hit Monroe Ave. only a few blocks away from Wyoming

Roberto jumps up and down screaming “Wyoming!”

After pointing at the street sign and saying “No, Monroe!” many times Roberto gives Scott a gracias and takes off. Leaving Scott about 45 min behind where he was, once again looking at going all the way back up hill………

Epilogue

Chords
Strings
We brings
Melody
G-Funk
Where rhythm is life
And life is rhythm



At approximately 3:15 Scottie is found by his friends walking up the street 2 blocks from his house with his arms behind his back (think Morpheus in the Matrix). He wakes up the next day with some great voicemails along the likes of “Scott if you aren’t dead and raped, I will rape you and kill you!”

Aside from the voicemail he is left with a sense of good Karma, an excellent ice breaking tale for the bar, and a new Mexican friend.

Wednesday, May 25

Im Sorry

Dear Internets,

Let me first start off with an apology:

I have been just awful to you. It’s been months since I’ve written. You must have all but forgotten about me in your life but I swear I haven’t forgotten you, I couldn’t.

Sure the fast pace world of MetLife has been keeping me busy, but that’s no excuse. Speaking of that if all goes to plan they will be putting me up in NYC for 5 months this summer so I can work hard and play hard in the big city!

Let me fill you in on everything else that has been going on in my life since February…

…..

Not all that much apparently

The worst song ever came out, its called Holla Back by Gwen from No Doubt, it fucking stinks yet Megan and I tend to sing it as loud as we possibly can..well only the B-A-N-A-N-A-S part.

Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy movie also came out and it fucking rocked. If you have yet to see it Internets I highly recommend it.

Jeff and I have been living a fantasy camp lifestyle along with the occasional visit from Greg Dougie Chris and/or Krieger. Since you probably don’t know what that is I will explain:

It’s when you drink till you pass out, wake up the next morning with random number in your cell phone and remember those great 20 min. where you were a GOD. By God I mean you can’t do wrong with any girl within those 20 min and you look around and your boys are all getting numbers, and you realize that life is just how it should be. The only problem with this is that we usually hit it around 10 or 11 where ideally you want to wait till 12 or 1 so you can leave before the impression of those 20 min wear off. I don’t necessarily mean leave with the girl but you don’t want to talk to her a couple days later and have her think of you as a drunken asshole, she can find that out later…you need the impression of your time as a GOD to last for as long as possible.

So friends are great, work is great, girls are there and always will be, I had a mini-relationship since we last talked too, that’s another story for another time maybe, not much to really tell there it was fun and not really worthy of a blog post months later.

I shall try to be more regular with you from now on. I am thinking of using you to track my poker career Internets, what do you think of that???

Punchin’ Out,

Scottie

PS – B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Monday, February 7

My Confession

I got to admit something to you, Internet…

You aren’t going to like it…

I never use my MySpace account…

The only reason I have one was because I heard a long lost friend was on it from a mutual friend and I wanted to see how she was doing..

I hear it’s wildly addicting, I just could never get into it or maybe I never tried

But here is the thing, I found something more addicting

It has more stalking abilities

It even has phone numbers!

It’s simply know as…the Facebook

You may doubt me, and you may want to check it out but unless you still a college email address you can’t get in.

Oh, you have a college email address? Good, just head to thefacebook.com…oh wait,

Is your college accepted into the facebook yet? No? Looks like you are locked out yet again.

Here’s the point, not since Nazi-Germany has there been such an elitist group that so many where in and laughing at those who weren’t.

As you probably know by now Internet, I graduated already. My friends throughout my last semester (no one knows when facebook started but it is believed it has been established since the early 1800’s around the same time as the free masons group) would constantly ridicule me for my college’s lack of acceptance. I never thought I would join, but here I was on the DAY the University of Scranton was allowed in, filling out my profile as I was informed of my acceptance from one of the facebook's first minister of recruitment, my dear friend Erin.

I was finally in

So now I sit at my computer every chance I get, checking my facebook messages, looking through people from my college or my school to “add” as friends,…whats that? You don’t know what I mean by adding friends? Let me explain the culture of the facebook some more:

See you start off with no friends, unable to view anyone’s profile unless they go to your school, lifeless really.

Then you can search for people from your school or people you know through other means, and tell facebook they are your friends, but then facebook slaps you in the face and says,

“You silly ass, you are just tring to pad your stats and be friends with everyone. I will ask them if they truly consider you a friend or not then and only then may you add them as your friend!”

Which brings me to my next point, and truly the worst part of the facebook, stat padders.

You know the term from sports, a person that doesn’t need to score the next touchdown or hit the three or knock it out of the park but does it just to make that record or look better on paper. The facebook is full of these.

I got friendship emails asking to associate myself with these people and allow them to pad their stats some more. And what do I do?

I say, yes…..

See I am weak, and you know this Internet. I get them all from girls, usually really good looking ones. Guys don’t pad stats on facebook, its just not cool. So hot girl says “I know Scott, I’ll add him as a friend” and I say, “thanks for letting me get through comm. 101 by checking you out when you were turned around and here is a stat padder for you.”

Seems the girls are finally cashing in.

For those of you who can’t facebook..here is a screenshot of it.

Notice my picture, it is me drinking. On the facebook you need to either have a pic of you drinking, you tring to look hotter than you are or lastly just the basic ? mark for your face.

If you aren’t on the facebook, good for you..avoid it at all costs

If you are on the facebook look me up…I need to pad those stats some more